when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
