I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
