you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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