I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
