you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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