remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i will never coherently bang her
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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