I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
