I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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