if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
