Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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