Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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