I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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