I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
