im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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