Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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