This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
