I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Sext me about skeletons
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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