I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.