He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
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how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
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... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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