i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.