mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
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if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
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Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
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