I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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