I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
