"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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