Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
