he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
