I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
