I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize