my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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