dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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