I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
