Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
