i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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