I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
