I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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