I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
