I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
