i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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