$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
The power of my boobs compel you
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
