i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
