I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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