Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
