im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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