I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
