I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
