dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
