Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
