im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
