plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
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