I am puke
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
