All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
