I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
