when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
