The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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