my phone needs a breathalizer
I think I won the penis lottery.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
