I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
