Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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