Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
