There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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